Today is a bad day.
It is a day where I feel defeated by grief; defeated by life.
It is a day where I feel like crying. And I wish that I would let it all out—but the tears won’t come. I feel the pressure behind my eyes, but not enough to break the dam. I’m left with immense feelings of heaviness and sadness.
Today is a day where I’d rather be back in bed than have to deal with everything and everyone around me. But I don’t have the luxury of sticking my head in the sand and checking out. So I do my best to stay quiet and keep to myself for fear of snapping at the next innocent person who does something ordinary that I just don’t have the patience for.
Today is a day where everything—every little task or idea—seems overwhelming. Not because it’s too difficult, but because I just don’t care. I don’t care enough about anything today to find the energy to give to it.
Why don’t I care? Because my daughter is dead—and today everything else seems completely unimportant and irrelevant in the cold darkness of that reality.
Today is a day in the middle of a difficult month that is book-ended by painful reminders of her death. Her birthday was on the first day of this month—another year passed where she didn’t grow older. The anniversary of her death is on the last day of this month. Part of me thinks this month can’t end soon enough—yet come next month, my daughter will still be dead.
Today is a day where all the beauty around me cannot seem to penetrate the fog of despair. The loving smiles and embraces of my other children; the quiet serenity of nature around me; and even the daily reminders of my daughter and her continued presence and importance in my life. None of them can overcome these painful feelings today.
Today is a day where I accept being trapped within a wave of grief that has brought me to my knees.
I will handle it the best I can. I will be kind to myself. And I will be patient with my emotions. I will try not to push myself to do more than I can handle, and lean on others for support. I will look for the love within the pain and light within the darkness.
Today is a bad day.
I hope tomorrow will be better.
This website was inspired by the memory of Margareta Sol Kubitz in hopes of helping others work through the pain of grief.
I’m so sorry, Maria, but I understand. I wish you peace and healing, and a better day tomorrow. ♥
Thank you, Marty. I’m hopeful tomorrow will be better. Maria 🙂
Some days I don’t know how we survive at all without our children. A birthday and a death anniversary all in the same month is a lot to get through… I’m so sorry that Margareta is not here to grow and celebrate and love and be loved. Life is not fair. As you wrote last month, we are the keepers of the flame…and I suppose that is one of the things that keeps us going.
Thank you. I’m positive today will be better than yesterday. Speaking of keeping the flame alive, what you’re doing to honor Graham’s memory is wonderful. Take care, Maria
Maria,
I stumbled upon your blog last night. I keep reading the entries over and over, because they tell my story, and express the depth of my heartbreak and pain so well.
I lost my 9 year old daughter, Rachel, in November 2008. This is a tough season of the year for me. Grieving can be so lonely.
Thank you for helping me to not feel so alone.
Lisa
Lisa, while I’m so sorry about the loss of your precious Rachel, I’m thankful you find some solace reading my posts. I’ll be thinking of you and Rachel during your difficult time. Take care, Maria
I also was lead to your blog earlier today.. I am living this nitemare.. My Son, Michael’s life was tragically and suddenly ripped away from me 6 years ago yesterday.July 1st, 2009..he was laid to rest on the 5th .. This time of year is so much more painful than every day , which is difficult .. We relive every second of what happened over and over..You express this grief and loss by speaking directly to me and my broken heart.. Michael was serving our country and was assaulted when going to the defense of his assaulted shipmate .. He was 31 and 1/2 years young to the day .. He passed away from traumatic brain injury at the hands of a civilian wacko….I am so sorry @ your beautiful daughter .. We will always have a hole in our hearts that cannot be healed completely ..your article with reference to Beatles song, Blackbird is purely mind boggling .. I have always loved that song too.. But now has totally different meaning as most music ..Thank you for sharing your journey in such a relatable and profound way.. I wish I could express my emotions as eloquently as you have….I wish you and all of us heartbroken moms some peace when we can’t see any break from the devastation our loss has brought into our existence..;(
Maxine, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son, Michael. While no one should have to bury their child, I’m glad that you find some comfort in my writings. I am convinced that we will all find some amount of peace…even if it takes the rest of our lives. Take care of yourself, Maria
Hi Maria,
I recently found this site after reading a post on Facebook. What you’ve written here describes most days for me as my 29 year old daughter, and my only child, died 11 weeks ago this Wednesday. My pain is so raw and so deep, and having to deal with others at work, in public, on the road, is a task that most days I cannot manage without wanting to scream at people “don’t you know my daughter died?”
So I thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions for others who are in the club we’d rather not be part of – having a child die before their parent(s).
Lynn, I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. While I know from experience that you have a long road ahead of you before your days don’t feel quite so painful or overwhelming, I can guarantee that you will get there. In hopes it can offer you a glimpse at what’s to come, you may consider reading a post I wrote about my experience with the journey a bereaved parent must take: http://wp.me/p2imOE-lV. Take care, Maria
Hi maria
I’m crying while reading your article.i lost my daughter also she’s 2year old and 7months she passed away november 16,2015..i really had a bad day everyday..i really don’t know what to do,sleepless night,crying all day long ,blaming my self and other people.asking why God did not listen to my prayer.why God forsaken me..it’s very difficult to lost a child early.the worst thing ever happened .i dont have support group here in my country.im searching for support group but we dont have here.thats why im searching here n internet and i saw your page..im reading all your article it help me relax and find comfort on how to handle grief.thank you for your article.i told myself that im not alone.i hope you will write more inspiring message because it help’s a lot.i still missed my daughter my wound is still fresh.hope to overcome someday