I and many people I know are suffering from a broken heart.

Now this may not seem like a big deal to you. After all, people get broken hearts all the time. Most of the time people get over it. Eventually, their attention turns towards finding new love to invest their time and energy in. Sooner or later, their heart heals — and hopefully the wiser for it.

Unfortunately, these are not the type of broken hearts I am referring to.

The kind of broken heart I am talking about is so severe and so devastating, it can never fully heal.

It is caused by losing someone whose absence leaves a gaping, endless hole in your heart. A hole that simply can never be filled. It is caused by losing a person who could never, ever be replaced and who can never, ever come back. In my case, it was caused by the sudden death of my 4-year-old daughter in 2009.

Oh, I hear all you doubters out there. You see on the news that people die every day. And from your point of view, their families and friends seem to get over it and move on with life. So why can’t we?

Some of you may think the people who can’t seem to let it go are just a bunch of “poor me” types who want attention. You may even be friends with some of us. Or more likely, used to be friends with us. You probably can’t fathom why we still feel the need to attend support groups, visit the cemetery every week, or randomly break down in tears – for years after the death. Many of you feel compelled to tell us how we’re supposed to get over our grief.

If it were only that simple.

So, why? Why can’t we just get over it and move on with our lives as if everything was back to normal?

Unfortunately, there isn’t an answer I could put into words that would ever satisfy you. Maybe the problem lies in the terminology being used. We may be suffering from a broken heart as you would define it. But it’s more than that. It might better be described as a broken soul or a broken spirit. Maybe it’s best to just cut out the noun. We are simply broken. Until you actually experience this type of loss, you’ll never fully understand.

So maybe the better question is: why does it bother you so much?

Is it the tears that make you uncomfortable? Does our demeanor hamper your care-free lifestyle? Is it the in-your-face reminder that you will die someday – and maybe much sooner than you plan to? Whatever your reason, you need to know that if you feel compelled to tell us what we need to do and how we need to do it, you’re not doing us any favors or speeding up our grief process. You’re just adding to our pain.

The fact is if you had enough patience, you’d see that over time people like us are better able to reintegrate into “normal” life. We learn to smile and truly experience happiness again. We don’t cry as often – and when we do, we can usually wait until no one is looking. Eventually, we may even convince you that we have finally moved on with our lives. But behind the scenes you better believe that the pain is still there.

The longing never goes away. The regret is here to stay. Painful reminders that such an important person in our life is missing constantly surround us.

We don’t just think of them on special occasions; we think of them daily. Some days we may think of them every hour or every minute. This is how we keep them present in our lives. This is our personal memorial to the overwhelming love they brought to our lives when they were here. Do you really want to take that away from us?

Instead of focusing on the idea that we should move on with our lives to make you more comfortable, maybe you could focus on learning how to look the other way and not let our grief bother you so much.